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Among My Tangled Thoughts

His Name


Just the sound of his name,

Gives me chills.

It used to just make me weak

With sadness

And missing

And shame.

But now his name in my ears,

scares me.

It is a word I don’t want to hear,

One I wish were permanently erased

From the English language.

It is two syllables that can destroy me,

Within a few seconds.

~h.h.

Untitled III


I’m not used to my skin coming off,

In ribbons like this.

But I guess I’ll play along.

I’ll work on the pinkness of my muscles,

Get that spring time glow,

That glistens when the camera catches it.

I’ll take whatever you’ve got,

Just hand me that paper cup and try,

Try not to breathe on me.

Natural line breaks for breath don’t always work.

Some of us

Breathe more heavily than others.

“Don’t show your colors,

To the man in the navy suit”, she says

“He’ll tear off his sleeves,

And show you what a good white man looks like.”

So I don’t.

And there’s another tear right down the side of my face,

My jaw is showing and clicking,

My teeth are collecting blood in their cavities.

It stings.

The only good part is,

My fingertips,

They’re gone.

They will never know

That the mouse girl,

With the wire hair,

Did all of this damage.

In the shared kitchen there’s a fruit bowl,

Full of bruised egos and apples.

Don’t show your dark circles,

To the woman at the front desk.

She doesn’t yet understand the difference,

Between genetics,

And an empty bank account.

~h.h.

 

Don’t You Dare


DON’T YOU DARE

TELL ME I’M BEAUTIFUL

UNTIL YOU’VE SEEN

THE SCARS THAT CARVE MY BODY,

AND THE BLOOD THAT POURS FROM MY SOUL.

DON’T YOU DARE 

TELL ME I AM LOVELY

UNTIL I BEGIN TO SHUT YOU OUT,

BECAUSE I’VE CONVINCED MYSELF

THAT YOU

ARE JUST LIKE ALL THE REST

AND YOU’LL GET TIRED OF ME.

~H.H.

She Doesn’t Know


She doesn’t notice that I still look at her as though she is the sun in my sky

She doesn’t notice how my breath hitches when she wraps her arm around my waist and pulls me close

She doesn’t notice how my eyes immediately fall to her lips when I see her

She doesn’t notice that I wait to go to my 6th period until the last possible second because I don’t want to leave her

She doesn’t notice how I always get jealous when someone else hugs her

She didn’t notice how I never told her “I love you” because I was afraid she didn’t love me back

She doesn’t know how confused she makes me feel

She doesn’t know how much our breakup devastated me

She doesn’t know how much I still love her

And she doesn’t know that she broke my heart

~C.L.C.


I’m gay.
The hardest two words to say.
There’s always the fear with its hands around your heart
Ready to squeeze if you aren’t accepted by the person most important

I’m gay.
Two words that make them recoil away from you
Worried that it might be contagious.
The way they gaze at you changes from warm and loving
to livid and revolted

I’m gay.
Its my secret that strangles me each and every day that I look at my mom.
I tried to fight it, to deny it
But it would not be pushed aside like unwanted food

I’m gay.
I can’t it hide it from her forever
And I hope that when I build up the courage to tell her
She’ll accept me with open arms.
Because if she doesn’t

I might not be able to keep plastering fake smiles to my face.

~C.L.C.

Drink


Do you miss me enough,

To drink?

Or did you drink enough,

To miss me?

~h.h.

Memories


Memories are crumbling like
dried flower leaves
On my fingertips

Under my feet
And behind my back
Like chasing butterflies or wondering in dreams

~C.L.C.

Flowers


I tasted him like fresh morning,

And felt my lungs breathe again.

When I asked him about his favorite color,

He said there aren’t enough flowers for every time,

I made him smile.

I write poems about flowers,

But can’t manage to keep any alive.

I spent a whole summer not going to bed

Until the sun was up because I thought the dark,

Was trying to eat me.

And sometimes I wonder what we could be.

Even now, when I bleed,

I expect demons to seep out.

My days are arranged by color;

I’ve cried at too many sunsets

And not enough sunrises.

I asked him where he felt the love and he said,

In his fingertips.

Maybe that’s why it felt like Cigarettes,

Burning me every time he would touch me.

And still my skin feels as if it is on fire.

I won’t be content with my body

Until I can fit back in those shorts I wore last summer,

And I don’t mind looking at it in a mirror.

Home still feels like just another empty word I don’t fit into.

I tasted pain when I met him,

And I’ve never broken a bone

But I guess that’s my consolation price

For a jumbled mind.

At fifteen I’m still too small for most roller coasters,

But can still fit on most swing sets.

These days I sleep with lavender incense on my pillow

To try and keep the nightmares away.

I asked him if he believes in forever and he said,

He knows everything is temporary,

But so do I.

My heart is always straining against my rib cage,

and I think one of these days it might liquefy

and spill right through the cracks.

~h.h.

 

Liebster Award


I have been nominated for the Liebster Award. Thank you so much to  https://mypoeticheart.com/ for nominating me! If you hadn’t already been nominated I would definitely nominate you also! The answers to the questions I was asked are below.
Why do you write?
I write to express myself. To let things out of my heart and mind and onto paper or in print. I write to inspire. I write to help others and myself. I write to entertain. I tear myself apart to entertain.
Where do you get your inspiration to write?
I mostly write when I’m falling. Falling in love or falling apart. Heartbreak has inspired a lot of my writing.
Favorite quote?
“Chin up child. In my experience, when life seems to be falling apart, its usually falling into place.” I’m not sure who said this quote, but I absolutely love it.
Who is your role model? If you don’t have one why?
There is no human that is my role model. Although I love and admire a lot of people, none of them are role models for me. I am my own person and I do not want to follow in anyone’s footsteps. I won’t base everything I do or strive to achieve an something so imperfect and temporary as a human.
If you could have any superpower what would it be?
I would want to have mood control. I want to be able to make people around me feel happy and calm. I want people to be at peace.
What is your favorite book?
Impulse by Ellen Hopkins or Perfect by Ellen Hopkins.
If you were to invite five people to your home for dinner (dead or alive), who would they be?
Gerard Way, Josh Dun, Tyler Joseph, K. Michelle, and Mitch Lucker.
What’s your ideal travel destination?
I don’t really have one to be honest. I would love to travel anywhere! Unless by this time (as this is pre scheduled) Donald Trump is elected, because then I’d like to move to Canada.
If you could trade lives with any celebrity for one day, who would it be?
If I could trade lives with any celebrity for one day I would trade lives with Gerard Way, because I find him absolutely amazing and so I could bring My Chemical Romance back.
Would you take a one-way ticket to colonize Mars?
I would not take a one way ticket to colonize on Mars. Physically, as humans that have adjusted to the temperaments and conditions of Earth our bodies would not be able to handle that great of a change. Even if our bodies could handle it, mentally we couldn’t. We would all go insane with that big of a change from what we are conditioned to handle.

The rules of the Liebster Awards are:
• Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
• Display the award on your blog and write a bit about yourself
• Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
• Nominate 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers.
• create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer by commenting on their post.


Why is the world so beautiful

But so ugly at the same time?

~C.L.C.


She ignites a fire in me

 

But I’m afraid that I will get burned.

~C.L.C.


One must still have chaos in oneself, in order to give birth to a dancing star.

~C.L.C.

In Love


You’re on love with her,

And she’s in love with you,

And it’s like a God damn tragedy,

Because you look at her and see stars,

And she looks at you and sees the sun,

And you both think the other

Is just looking at the ground!

~h.h.

Someday


SOMEDAY YOU’LL MISS HER

LIKE SHE MISSED YOU.

SOMEDAY YOU’LL NEED HER,

LIKE SHE NEEDED YOU.

SOMEDAY YOU’LL LOVE HER,

AND SHE WON’T LOVE YOU

~h.h.

Naked


Do you think you have seen her naked,

Just because you have seen her without her clothes on?

Have you seen all her scars?

Do you know where she got them?

What’s her favourite book?

Favourite character from that book?

How many times has she read it,

And does she have her own copy?

Can you see her eyes when you close yours?

Does she like coffee or tea?

Is that a trick question?

Have you ever seen her cry?

Have you ever made her laugh?

Do you know her deepest secrets?

Have you seen the deepest harts of her soul?

Do you know what her favourite day of the week is?

Have you left an imprint on her heart?

Can you even tell me one story about her,

That does not involve you?

~h.h.

I’m Sorry


I’m sorry for always smelling like cigarette smoke,

And staring at you all the time.

I’m sorry for having so many scars,

And for hating myself all the time,

And for talking about my problems and probably,

Being annoying as hell.

I’m sorry I can’t go a day without crying anymore,

I’m sorry I’m not good enough,

And for not being perfect,

And having a shaky voice

when you tell be beautiful words,

That were not meant for me.

~h.h.

Deepest Parts


I have met a person,

Who brings out the deepest parts of me.

And it scares me,

Because there are things inside of me,

That I have never seen

~h.h.

Object


He turned me into an object,

And I turned him into a God.

Now how twisted is that?

~h.h.

4:39


IT’S 4:39 A.M.

AND HERE I AM SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

OF WHAT WENT WRONG BETWEEN US

AT THE BOTTOM OF EMPTY BOTTLES.

AND GOD KNOWS THAT YOU’RE EVEN EMPTIER

THAN THE BOTTLES I’M SEARCHING THROUGH.

~h.h.

Last Night


LAST NIGHT

I WAS TRYING TO DRINK AWAY YOUR NAME,

BUT I ONLY FORGOT WHAT DAY IT WAS

AND THE DRUNKEN THOUGHTS WERE YOU.

IT’S ALWAYS YOU.

YOU.

YOU.

YOU.

OH MY GOD, YOU!

~h.h.

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